a blog: *follows me*

me, an aged monarch lounging on my fur-strewn throne, gesturing for my servant to bring me my monacle: Bring them here! Bring them here, I say. Let me look at them.

guards: *drag the unwitting blog before me*

me, peering intently at the new blog and poking them with my scepter: Is this a real person? Hmm? What have you to say for yourself? What are your fandoms? Your interests? Speak up, these old ears aren’t what they used to be.

guards, tentatively: they do seem to be a real person, sire. We found them in possession of several memes and a fandom rant.

me, subsiding back into my sumptuous furs and waving them away: most extraordinary. It has been an age since there was a real person, but just as well, the dungeons have been overflowing with those tacky pornbots. This newcomer may remain in my domain. Make them welcome. And fetch me a quill! I feel a ficlet coming on…

this is the funniest thing i have ever read

“flirting” aka staring at u and when u look back at me i look away very fast so u wont see that i was staring at u

person: *insults my coping mechanisms*

me:

i feel like a lot of the women going “you’ll have children eventually anyway! :)” whenever you mention that you dont want children are projecting their own eventual defeat in the same battle, because the vast majority of them are straight women in straight marriages, performing the role our heteropatriarchal society expects of them, part of which is having children (that many of them later regret having, either because it was too soon or they were right in their initial evaluation that they didn’t want children)

if they didn’t want children, but found themselves in a society where marrying a man and giving him children is inevitable and paraded as something that you yourself should want and embody as A Woman, surely it’s going to happen to you, too, right?

me: [skateboards up to you]

me: hi. i can't actually skateboard in real life, but on an internet post, the only limitation is my imagination

me: [keeps skateboarding away, my body starting to transform into a hot pink fighter jet]