i was havin a great time until i remembered that i was ugly

Damn what if you told your dad he mispronounced a word during a zoom meeting and he disowned you for embarrassing him and told you you were only welcome back home if you found bigfoot so you spend three years travelling the world to find bigfoot but along the way you become friends with bigfoot and teach him how to fight so he beats up your dad for you

I think we should let kids swear just a little bit

Throwback to 2016 when I told my sister "they're making another planet earth" and she just like. raised an eyebrow and said in this absolutely deadpan condescending tone "and where are they getting the dirt for it?" and I had to specify I meant planet earth the nature documentary not the celestial body

me: i miss 2012 tumblr

*scrolls thru @heritageposts*

me: nevermind

the force is like anxiety

explain

with me, always

consider: john mulaney is absolutely an immortal but he happens to be a very very young one. i’m guessing he was born in the 1920s and hasn’t aged a day since approximately 1945